MONTHLY RECAP: SEPTEMBER 2016

I felt unhappy throughout the first two semesters. I want to be that busy bee who befriends with active people, who sleeps less than 4 hours, and hardly ever come home on weekends as there’s just so many things to get done in campus. But I was far from that; I came home as frequent as I could, I ran away from meetings because I dislike the people and the event. I thought the fault is on  the situation. It’s the situation why I don’t befriends with certain people, it’s the situation why I’m not accepted in certain clubs, it’s the situation why I’m not confident enough to bring myself out there. 

It’s just the situation...

It is half way to the first month of the new semester when I write this. I would say, the first week of back-to-campus I was 85% HAPPY. Maybe it’s the compliments I got from people as I’m now into this new beauty routine which involves some makeup and flat iron. Not only from my closest friends, but even those who hardly ever talked to me compliment me (one day in this month –septembersixteenth–a classmate complimented my makeup for it looks fresh on me out of the blue, and we’re not that close to give random compliments; indicating that he meant it). But the compliments were not that significant for me to feel confident. It was me who felt good about myself that I was able to control my state of mind and switch on the happy button by being confident.

I robbed my mom’s closet and elevated my outfit to campus. A friend of mine keeps complimenting me for I’m now dressed up, wear a good amount of makeup (she keeps praising my eye makeup, which consists of an eyeliner and eye shadow palette of three colors–the one I found in my mom’s car). I feel a little bad for not complimenting her more, because I’m never the type to easily compliment on things–or, otherwise, hate things. I just tend to keep a neutral opinion on everything, trying to understand the situation and not give any significant judgement (I’m actually a little scared for having this type of mindset for successful people are usually those who are aware of their surroundings and have strong opinions about the world outside of their minds).

This is the first time in my whole 19-years of living where I wear makeup daily. Big thanks to my mom who taught me a few useful tricks and sponsored my makeup tools. My mom did worked at a beauty brand company, but she only taught me a few tricks (and I believe those tricks make significance difference), I’m on my own for the rest of my makeup and hair routine is (my hypothesis is that I’m using my artist hand, that’s why my makeup looks nice for a beginner–again, thanks to my mom who has passed down to me the artistic genes).

I spend less time alone than I used to in the last two semesters. My schedule may not be fully packed yet –I mean, the amount of business I have is pretty normal –but I spend so much time hanging out with my friends, anyone free at the time. I’d rather to have productive gatherings, like work-related meetings, but intensifying my social life is good for now (I’m not widening my social life as I’m hanging out with those friends I got from the previous semesters–maybe one or two additions this semester).

ABOUT COMMITTEES

As I mentioned above, I constantly punishing myself for not being busy which resulted in me joining anything offered and accepting any work that I might like, just to keep myself busy. Now I regret ever saying ‘yes’. I want to withdraw myself so bad as I’m not even excited about it (the event or the organization) and it only drains out my ATM. Shit, I should withdraw before it’s too late. The thing about college committees is that you have to fund raise, but in the most annoying way. Each committee, no matter what division, has to fund raise by selling snacks (mostly fried one, so you can’t sell it again tomorrow if you can’t sell everything today) and it becomes an individual responsibility to sell one box of the sometimes-overly-priced-snacks. The head of the fund raise division won’t care whether you manage to sell everything or not, you have to pay back a set amount of money at the end of the day (or the week). So, if you’re unable to sell everything, you have to use your own money. And you can’t get out of this situation unless you withdraw yourself from the committee. My ATM was literally drained out this month that I had to ask my mom to send me more (which I remember only happened once or twice at the beginning of my first semester when I was still learning to manage my own money).

Aside from my drained ATM, I realized that others start to treat me like trash (again). Maybe it’s my style of entertaining that disgusts them and have them losing respect on me. I have told this story (of my heart, along with the tears) quite a few times to my closest ones and I am, to be honest, pretty sick of retelling and retelling... To summarize: I feel like I am being treated like trash because some people disrespect me and underestimate me, maybe they feel annoyed, but that doesn’t give them all the rights to be mean to me. Hopefully my analyzing skill, observation, and vocabulary will improve, so I can express what I feel and think more clearly (and mind blowing) and maybe retell some life stories in depth.

HIGHLIGHTS OF SEPTEMBER:

I keep thanking God for not missing the open recruitment broadcast of this committee–my senior missed it and regret it when I told her that there was an open recruitment. Since many did not even get the broadcast, I consider myself lucky to not have missed it out in group chat. This is the Fitting team for UI Fashion Week 2016; not full team though. We just finished our first meeting and we quickly got close as we were on the same page of interests. (I’m finally acquaintance with people of the same interests)

Girls’ day out/her birthday–this surprise was fabricated. Later that day, she got a surprise –real, not fabricated, kind of well organized–by her boyfriend, whom was being an ass just days before her birthday.

I may not have an angel voice, but so does most people in this photo. We were the choir team for KMK FISIP’s Mass. This is my first experience joining a choir team (we actually practiced! and have more than one voice). Our dresscode was blue; just in case I forget, which I definitely will, in the years to come.

I want to say thank you for all the committees and participants of WEEKEND KMK FISIP 2016 (a gathering event where new Catholic students in my faculty could bond with fellow Catholic seniors). It wasn’t without heart feelings, though, but it was all paid off (I guess). It was my second time being the head of Consumption and Medical division, but it was my first time arranging and budgeting consumption for more than 5 people. A little story: when I finally got home (to my boarding house, obviously), I felt uneasy. I can’t describe why or how, but it was pretty much a mix of regret, sadness, longing, relieved, missing... Maybe it was a ‘vibe transition’ moment, idk.

Twinning in grey (we were at the Main Library when we realized it and, whatacoincidence, the Main Library’s building is grey and architectural-artsy; so instagrammable). I am more dressed up this month (starting this new semester, actually) and I feel happier and more excited about living day by day. All these years, I thought it wouldn’t give any impact for my weight stays the same, but boy I was wrong.

     

A row of selfies...

September [PROLOG]

"Bulan ini terasa panjang. Saya bepergian ke berbagai tempat dan melakukan berbagai kegiatan yang lebih banyak variasi dari bulan-bulan biasanya. Saya memang belum 'sesibuk itu' untuk tidak menemukan waktu untuk nonton Youtube berjam-jam. Saya juga belum memegang peran-peran penting di organisasi atau kepanitiaan yang bisa membuat saya menjadi 'seksi segala tahu dan paling repot'. Saya puas dengan impresi yang saya tampilkan, juga menyesal pada beberapa kejadian yang mencacati impresi tersebut. Bulan ini saya mulai berubah (entah bertansformasi atau bertumbuh) dengan kecepatan yang sedikit lebih cepat dari bulan-bulan biasanya, saya bisa merasakan itu."

[Laporan selengkapnya segera dipublikasikan]

THE COLLEGE STORY [PART II]

[trying my best not to mention any names in particular, but I suppose from the descriptions, those who know will know]

I made pretty good acquaintances with “artistic” people at first, as these people are always my “friendship goals”, but later on I grew quite some distance with them. I am now the closest with people who finds theatre play boring, galleries are pointlessly there as photo studio (I kind of agree with this one, though), and my music taste don’t synchronize with theirs. But I find these people whose interests are sky and earth with me, trustable and dependable (and laughable). They are the ones whose numbers I would dial (more like LINE Free Call) when I’m in an emergency situation (like, suddenly alone after class or having to spend the gap between classes alone or don’t have anyone to eat lunch with–yes, high school never ends, honey, you gotta seat with your BFF/BF/squad).

I was also trying to approach those who seemed nice, approachable, and modest; but we hardly ever talk now, let alone hang out together. It turned out that their humor are strange for me, vice versa, and some are not as “real” as I thought they were. Not as “modest” at heart. Some are just wolves in a lambskin. Those whom I thought were going to stay ‘jobless’ with me, suddenly joined something and got super busy. Those whom I thought were mean-girls-material were as real as my breath.

(don’t misunderstood, though. I may have failed in executing the approaches, but I hardly ever miss reading someone or a group of people. Some are just as mean girls as they could, some are just as annoyingly nerdy and serious as fuck, some are just too cool to hang out with me, some groups are just full of creative heads–and my brain’s potential is not up to par to hang out with them)

I learned various social life cultures in college, and get to explore the one area in Jakarta I hardly ever step a foot on: the South. If you’re not a Southern kid, you will get so perplexed with the roads as there are lots of small roads and the map seems intertwined. I still can’t navigate places very well (in general), but at least I learn how to read maps, navigate a little, and predicting distance. New skill gained: navigation.

A friend of mine (love-hate that bitch) explained to me excitedly about the lifestyle (especially the social part) of the Southern kids, while another friend would listen passionately. I get to embrace the culture of “nongkrong” (I couldn’t translate it in English, because the translation would be “hanging out” and it’s too general to define “nongkrong”–similar case to “jayus”). Before college (and these bitches), my peers are the kind who don’t do “nongkrong”. When we hang out together, we’d eat happily at a restaurant or the food court, something, then window shopping or go to the theatere, then go home. We wouldn’t spend, like, Rp50.000,- for a cup of coffee with artistic foam, and just stay seated at the coffee shop for hours. I personally couldn’t get any focus in public places like that (exception for bookstores, my heaven on earth –but not library, though, they got different vibes, which I’ll have to explain in a separate post), let alone working or reading. I’d rather be at my room, on my bed, where I could wear whatever, look like shit, and not wear pants. I only go to coffee shops to chat with some friends, a light activity that doesn’t require much focus.

[My mom said that it’s a perfect combination. My (Chinese-dominated) peers taught me how to thrift, have strong principles to not get easily swayed by others, good manners and morality, while the Southerns taught me how to have fun, deal with social life and explore stuffs.]

THE COLLEGE STORY [Part I]

Freshmen year is always a fresh start. New school, new friends, new teacher, new subjects, and, unfortunately, seniors. Most freshmen would dread the seniors and orientation the most; oddly enough for me, I kind of  look forward to it. The (so-called) scary seniors, the funny hairstyles, the strange tasks, the humiliating and bothersome customs for freshmen to accustomed to. Fortunately and unfortunately, I didn’t get to grasp that awful (yet memorable) freshmen “bully” since my university (and most uni now) has banned any acts of bullying. We escaped most of the dreadful parts of orientation, except for the tasks. They were not exactly strange, but rather tiresome. The nametag, the journal, the song. Seemed pointless, and they partly are, seen explicitly. But implicitly, they all had a point (read: bonding).

So, I was a little devastated by the boring orientation (I went through three orientations; from the uni, faculty, and major. The orientation from my major was the hardest, though, yet it is the most memorable). I tried to stay excited by joining committees out of interest (not based on who were in the committee), but later I learned the importance of sticking to your closest friends (read: your peer) at any occassions. I always hated to appear alone (or lonely) in public places as much as I hate being an outsider. There were many events I joined out of pure interest, and I ended up not enjoying them very much because I was whether by myself or with the wrong friends.

[I was also devastated by the fact that I gained weight instead of losing (since most of my friends are, starting college), transitioning from homecook to street food. (now I’m trying to take control and try to inhabit the eating style of my “naturally” skinny friends) Guuurl, feel me!]

I joined very few committees in the first semester (and the semesters following). I picked them out carefully as I feel the need to take interest in the event itself and the committee won’t force me to fund raise by selling snacks. Plus, I feared that if I took too many non-academic activities, I will struggle with my academics as many seniors have warned the freshmen. Believe me, that’s bullshit. Well, if you major in heavy stuffs like medical, engineering, science, or law, then yes, you will suffer in academics, let alone juggling both academic and non-academic life. But I’m in communication! I would say that I’m not bragging or underestimating when I say  your academic life is that easy to put up with in the first three semesters. SO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME! Learn from my mistakes:(

(but don’t be in committees forever, though, as it will frain the cash out of you. From fund raising to set up costs covered by the committees–and rare case of reimbursement. Committees are “jumping rocks”, so unless you want to build an EO, you better start finding other ways to be productive–which wouldn’t cost you for nothing and, better, earn you some money)

Some committees disappointed me as the spirit was down already, while some other kind of ditched me, as in ignoring my (perhaps stupid) ideas. I joined a club I thought I’d be passionate in, but turned out the other members just didn’t work with me in terms of chemistry (and now I’m considering to resign myself as a member). I failed to get into the organization I desired the most, because (I think) I was not professional and prepared enough to join; therefore I wasn’t qualified. Maybe I should’ve chosen different department, maybe I should’ve given other organizations a go, I thought.

But shit happens anyway. You might be trapped in a committee or club that drains your pockets, or obligated to attend regular meetings to discuss about topics you don’t even want to hear. You might get super busy and dilemmas about whether you should skip class and attend an event you’re involved in, or otherwise. The best advice I could give is to keep professional. Whatever trap it is that you’re in, how much money you give away to fund an event, just don’t ruin your name for not being professional. Do your best; whether at doing your jobdesc or escaping your jobdesc (give logical or dead-end reasons).

The College Story [Intro]

In freshmen year you’ll remember new names and forget names. In freshmen year, you’ll join some peer groups, but as the months go by, your peers will narrow and grow fonder relationships. Beause in freshmen year, you’ll be forced to do activities that bond you with various people, but as the orientation’s over and your classmates are not picked by the system, you’ll have to build relationships on your own.

In freshmen year the academic life seems blurry. Most will be late to class or enter the wrong class. Some will find college life so easy as if they’ve studied the manual book ahead of other freshmen. Some will be “trapped” in committees they dislike–in which they have to fund raise. But, hey, freshmen always try everything as everything is fresh for them.

In freshmen year you’ll try to be as attractive as you are allowed in front of your new friends and seniors of the opposite (or the same) sex.  Though some would not care much; whether because they already have that someone in particular or they are just not interested in such thing. Some will have special friends by the end of the semester, some will have a crush on the same person until they graduate.

In freshmen year... you promise yourself that you will be this kind of senior or that kind of senior, which you never will be. But you will be a particular kind of senior, that’s for sure. In freshmen year, you diss your superiors and plot a revenge on your upcoming freshmen, but suddenly new rules applied in which you cannot cross anything in your revenge-bucketlist.

Later throughout the year, you’ll be a different person, see the world slightly differently, maybe develop new skills or traits. Some changes will be obvious, some will subtly appear, some will not be appearent at all. But no matter what the occassion is, human will always change as they always grow. College has different effects on everyone, surely, so it is highly reccomended that you don’t miss a thing.

(aren’t you curious on what effects it has on you?)