I felt unhappy throughout the
first two semesters. I want to be that busy bee who befriends with active
people, who sleeps less than 4 hours, and hardly ever come home on weekends as
there’s just so many things to get done in campus. But I was far from that; I
came home as frequent as I could, I ran away from meetings because I dislike
the people and the event. I thought the fault is on the
situation. It’s the situation why
I don’t befriends with certain people, it’s the
situation why I’m not accepted in certain clubs, it’s the situation why I’m not confident enough to bring myself out
there.
It’s just the situation...
It is half way to the first month
of the new semester when I write this. I would say, the first week of back-to-campus
I was 85% HAPPY. Maybe it’s the compliments I got from people as I’m now into
this new beauty routine which involves some makeup and flat iron. Not only from
my closest friends, but even those who hardly ever talked to me compliment me
(one day in this month –septembersixteenth–a classmate complimented my makeup
for it looks fresh on me out of the blue, and we’re not that close to give
random compliments; indicating that he meant it). But the compliments were not
that significant for me to feel confident. It was me who felt good about myself
that I was able to control my state of mind and switch on the happy button by
being confident.
I robbed my mom’s closet and
elevated my outfit to campus. A friend of mine keeps complimenting me for I’m
now dressed up, wear a good amount of makeup (she keeps praising my eye makeup,
which consists of an eyeliner and eye shadow palette of three colors–the one I
found in my mom’s car). I feel a little bad for not complimenting her more,
because I’m never the type to easily compliment on things–or, otherwise, hate
things. I just tend to keep a neutral opinion on everything, trying to understand the situation and not give
any significant judgement (I’m actually a little scared for having this type
of mindset for successful people are usually those who are aware of their
surroundings and have strong opinions about the world outside of their minds).
This is the first time in my
whole 19-years of living where I wear makeup daily. Big thanks to my mom who
taught me a few useful tricks and sponsored my makeup tools. My mom did worked
at a beauty brand company, but she only taught me a few tricks (and I believe
those tricks make significance difference), I’m on my own for the rest of my
makeup and hair routine is (my hypothesis is that I’m using my artist hand,
that’s why my makeup looks nice for a beginner–again, thanks to my mom who has
passed down to me the artistic genes).
I spend less time alone than I
used to in the last two semesters. My schedule may not be fully packed yet –I
mean, the amount of business I have is pretty normal –but I spend so much time
hanging out with my friends, anyone free at the time. I’d rather to have
productive gatherings, like work-related meetings, but intensifying my social life is good for now (I’m not widening my social life as I’m hanging
out with those friends I got from the previous semesters–maybe one or two
additions this semester).
ABOUT COMMITTEES
As I mentioned above, I
constantly punishing myself for not being busy which resulted in me joining
anything offered and accepting any work that I might like, just to keep myself busy. Now I regret ever saying
‘yes’. I want to withdraw myself so bad as I’m not even excited about it (the
event or the organization) and it only drains out my ATM. Shit, I should
withdraw before it’s too late. The thing about college committees is that you
have to fund raise, but in the most
annoying way. Each committee, no matter what division, has to fund raise by
selling snacks (mostly fried one, so you can’t sell it again tomorrow if you can’t
sell everything today) and it becomes an individual responsibility to sell one
box of the sometimes-overly-priced-snacks. The head of the fund raise division
won’t care whether you manage to sell everything or not, you have to pay back a
set amount of money at the end of the day (or the week). So, if you’re unable
to sell everything, you have to use your own money. And you can’t get out of
this situation unless you withdraw yourself from the committee. My ATM was
literally drained out this month that I had to ask my mom to send me more
(which I remember only happened once or twice at the beginning of my first
semester when I was still learning to manage my own money).
Aside from my drained ATM, I
realized that others start to treat me like trash (again). Maybe it’s my style
of entertaining that disgusts them and have them losing respect on me. I have
told this story (of my heart, along with the tears) quite a few times to my
closest ones and I am, to be honest, pretty sick of retelling and retelling... To
summarize: I feel like I am being treated like trash because some people
disrespect me and underestimate me, maybe they feel annoyed, but that doesn’t
give them all the rights to be mean to me. Hopefully my analyzing skill,
observation, and vocabulary will improve, so I can express what I feel and
think more clearly (and mind blowing) and maybe retell some life stories in depth.
HIGHLIGHTS OF SEPTEMBER:
I keep thanking God for not
missing the open recruitment broadcast of this committee–my senior missed it
and regret it when I told her that there
was an open recruitment. Since many did not even get the broadcast, I
consider myself lucky to not have missed it out in group chat. This is the
Fitting team for UI Fashion Week 2016; not full team though. We just finished our
first meeting and we quickly got close as we were on the same page of
interests. (I’m finally acquaintance with
people of the same interests)
Girls’ day out/her birthday–this
surprise was fabricated. Later that day, she got a surprise –real, not fabricated,
kind of well organized–by her boyfriend, whom was being an ass just days before
her birthday.
I may not have an angel voice, but so does most people in
this photo. We were the choir team for KMK FISIP’s Mass. This is my first
experience joining a choir team (we actually practiced! and have more than one voice). Our dresscode was blue;
just in case I forget, which I definitely will, in the years to come.
I want to say thank you for all
the committees and participants of WEEKEND KMK FISIP 2016 (a gathering event
where new Catholic students in my faculty could bond with fellow Catholic
seniors). It wasn’t without heart feelings, though, but it was all paid off (I
guess). It was my second time being the head of Consumption and Medical
division, but it was my first time arranging and budgeting consumption for more
than 5 people. A little story: when I finally got home (to my boarding house,
obviously), I felt uneasy. I can’t describe why or how, but it was pretty much
a mix of regret, sadness, longing,
relieved, missing... Maybe it was a ‘vibe
transition’ moment, idk.
Twinning in grey (we were at the Main Library when we
realized it and, whatacoincidence, the Main Library’s building is grey and
architectural-artsy; so instagrammable).
I am more dressed up this month (starting this new semester, actually) and I
feel happier and more excited about living day by day. All
these years, I thought it wouldn’t give any impact for my weight stays the
same, but boy I was wrong.
A row of selfies...
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