His house

I just went to his house.

It wasn't quite what I expected, yet it wasn't so surprising either. I just... still don't know how to feel right now. I need to wake up at dawn tomorrow, yet it's thirty over ten and I still couldn't make myself asleep as the dead. Maybe it's my boarding house bed which I hadn't slept in for a few good weeks, or maybe it's what I just experienced; I went to his house.

I talked to my friend over the phone, didn't specifically to talk about him (again and again, and so forth), though I did mentioned him. And how I think I'm still not over him.

I quite get it when people say all the bad things about their lovers and speak of countless reasons on why both should break up instantly. But they just couldn't do it. When asked why not, they'd just shrug and murmur, "Dunno..."

I "dunno" why I'm still nervous upon the thought of going to meet him and still try to recall everything that happened when we do cross paths. Our conversations are merely small talks, nothing profound (although, silly enough as I think of it now, I tried a few times to open up and talk about personal stuffs back then when I was madly crushing on him, before I could finally regain my composure and senses). He never shows any sign of being fond of me; slim chance it'll ever happened (if I get to follow his second account on instagram -which I was quite surprised he's the type to have one- I'd be an awesome fangirl).

I've asked a couple of people with a sort of sixth sense (I partly believe in such spiritual, supernatural, and superstitions) and all stated -firmly- that I'd never even date him or get romantically involved in anyway possible. Honestly, I couldn't imagine a happy future together if I were ever to be destined with him either. I could only picture myself as a woman who somewhat fits to be on his side, but not the woman I aspire to become (reminds me of how my mom tried to bury herself in order to fit the "ideal" or "common", to fit the mainstream; and look how it became one of her biggest regret).

I just adore him for no reason.
or perhaps there is a reason. I just haven't dared to contemplate and figure out what it really is.


[and I'm still trying to rip him off my mind because I don't wish to be that person who graduates from college with a heart still lingers to an unrequited adornment. I am, for the note, will not be as pathetic]

originally written on January 14, 2017. Revised on January 17, 2017.